What is Happiness and Why Does It Feel So Elusive?

Happiness means different things to different people.

Pyschologists often differentiate between two types of happiness:

Hedonic happiness

This is pleasure-based happiness, based on external rewards and sensory pleasures. So it could be about fleeting moments of pleasure like enjoying a delicious meal, walking with friends or basking in the warmth of the sun on a summer afternoon, receiving a compliment, buying a new dress or eating a slice of cake guilt-free.

Eudaimonic happiness

This is about a deeper sense of fulfillment, a more meaningful state of being rather than a temporary feeling. It often comes from living with purpose, personal growth and contributing to something greater than yourself, enjoying meaningful relationships, being creative, achieving personally important goals and performing acts of kindness.

And it's that second happiness that I'm looking for. I'm good at living in the moment, being mindful and enjoying present happinesses, but it's that long-term, intrinsic, more fulfilling happiness that I aspire to. I know that material possessions or external validation won't bring me lasting joy, and I need to learn to allow internal validation and self-love to help me feel deep-down happy.

What are some of the possible reasons I don't feel like that now?

Firstly, could it be that in my work as a coach I've put too much emphasis on achieving the wrong goals? Whilst goal achievement is a great way to feel satisfied, to progress in life, to create desired environments and lifestyles, sometimes they can be attached to the wrong things, like being admired by others, keeping up with other people, buying designer clothes or expensive cars to show other people how financially successful you are or making more money to keep in the bank. Whilst these things aren't inherently bad, they can be a problem if they're your main motivators. Money lets us buy material possessions, but it's main power lies in giving us choice and freedom.

My goals have always been to have more freedom, travel and adventure and yes, I need money to do those things. And yes, those things are intrinsic, not extrinsic satisfactions.

So I don't believe I've aimed for the wrong goals. I've moved abroad, travelled to many countries and enjoyed the freedoms to make my own decisions.

I've never been inspired by material possessions (although I love beautiful clothes, jewellery and cosmetics, all of which speak of self-care and bring me pleasure day to day), and I'm grateful and appreciative of what I've been able to do in my life.

Secondly, could it be the curse of comparison culture? Do I spend hours on social media envying the lives that other people portray and comparing their seemingly perfect lifestyles to mine and all its ups and downs.

No, I don't do that. I do like to watch inspiring videos on things which interest me, but I don't feel envious. I recognise that creating those videos is hugely time-consuming, that they don't represent reality, and that not everything is at it appears to be.

I try my best to stay in my own lane without measuring my progress, successes and happiness to what other people choose to portray.

And finally, could it be that in my pursuit of happiness I'm actually driving it further and further away by creating anxiety and self-judgement and -criticism when I don't feel I'm happy enough?

I try not to dwell too much on how I'm feeling, and I do try to be positive and optimistic, and take good actions and make good choices which I know will help me. I also know I'm very good at self-sabotage, that I can be weak-willed at times and that sometimes I behave in self-destructive and negative ways. And those times seem to germinate from feeling unhappy, lonely, bored, stressed or frustrated, as I look for a quick fix, an escape route from those feelings, a fast way to change my mood and my state. Those actions can include alcohol, sugar, unhealthy food, binge-watching rubbish, going to bed extremely early, sleeping too much, reading mind-numbing books. None of those help my physical or mental health, and finding positive alternatives could be a great part of my happiness quotient plan.